Flicker
by Gater101
Summary: OneShot. The city was in pain and it seeped into him like a poison.


Title: Flicker  
Summary: The city was in pain and it seeped into him like a poison.  
Characters: John, Rodney, Ronon, Carter & Kanan  
Pairing: John/Teyla, Teyla/Kanan  
Rating: K 

John Sheppard didn't like not knowing what was going on, that much he knew. He'd tuned out from those around him and had entered into a kind of involuntary meditation. The wall opposite him thumped in and out of focus as his heart pounded blood and pain through his body; words floated around his ears but none were picked up over the rush of blood in his ears; senses came and went as he tuned into a song that swayed the walls of the city.

Something was going on and John Sheppard didn't like not knowing what it was.

The walls of the city thrummed with anxious anticipation, needing but dreading a resolution to what was going on. He was afraid that if he broke his concentration even more a moment, he'd lose his last link to sanity and then he'd really be in trouble. He saw the lights flickering and dimming in his blinkered vision and he wondered if it was really happening or if his mind was playing tricks on him.

"John?"

Slowly, his mind came back to him and pain came rushing in past his walls and he let out an agonised breath and dropped his head into his hands, almost sliding off the seat he was sitting in. Moments of weakness were not what he needed; moments where he could let himself feel the pain he was trying so desperately to block out.

"Are you doing this?"

He split his fingers and saw the lights still flickering, dimming, the walls swaying in and out of focus as his head pounded in protest. He shrugged but didn't look to his commander. He felt sick. He felt suffocated. Slowly, he stood but his leg gave way under him and he reached out to the wall for support but jerked his hand away as though burned. The _city _was in pain and it seeped into John like a poison. He had to get away. He felt a hand on his arm and he looked at the owner, his friend; the Satedan's silent support was more than John could handle and he closed his eyes against it.

"She'll be okay."

John looked up into his eyes but shook his head. He wasn't so sure of that. The city was whispering to itself, conspiring against him and John felt anger build up in him again.

"I'm just glad this happened when she was still here." John fixed Rodney with a stare and for a moment, the smaller man looked afraid. "Not that... not that I'm glad this happened. Just that she was here and... Not on Athosia."

John's eyes slid away from Rodney to Kanan who had been silent since he'd been ushered out of the infirmary. In fact, John was pretty sure he hadn't moved either. He felt his fingers twitch and he wanted to lash out at something again, wanted to kick and scream until his body wouldn't allow him anymore. But he'd already did that and it hadn't accomplished anything other than to bloody his fingers and probably re-break the leg he'd only had removed from plaster hours before.

He slumped into his seat once again and hung his head low on his chest, knowing there was nothing that could be done. They'd waited for too long, and John wanted to know what was going on. His head lolled and he felt something try to take over him once more. He jumped up and kicked the chair, sending it clattering down the hall.

"Why haven't we heard anything?" He yelled in the direction the chair had flown and punched the wall beside him. Rationally, he knew it would do no good but rationality was not something his brain could understand at that moment. It had only been that morning that he'd shared breakfast with her and Conlin, that she'd sought him out to say goodbye before going off world to give birth to her son. And now, they were huddled around the double doors of the operating room in the infirmary, waiting on news if she and her son would be okay.

John didn't think he'd be able to handle it if anything happened to her.

"She should be with her people."

John spun on his heel and glowered at Kanan, who'd spoken up from his seated position. He found the younger man staring back at him, his eyes empty of emotion and John almost felt compassion for him.

"_We _are her people."

He saw Kanan sigh and he felt his blood boil in his veins.

"She should be with her people on Athosia."

John hesitated for a moment, staring, wondering before something inside of him snapped and he lunged. He never made it to his target and he found that his feet no longer touched the ground.

"Let go of me! Ronon!" He struggled against the bigger man's arms but it was no use. He sagged a moment and felt Ronon's arms loosen their grip. He shrugged him off and cracked his neck, not able to lift his eyes from the floor. His outbursts were doing no one any good. He moved to the wall and stood in front of it, dropping his head onto it with a thud, trying to control his breathing. He leaned his shoulder against it and turned his eyes to Kanan, who had returned to sitting with his head lowered. "If she had gone through the 'Gate... if she'd been on Athosia..."

Kanan's eyes rose and caught John's. They stared at one another for a moment and John thought he saw realisation in Kanan's eyes before the desolation enveloped it.

"She would be dead, Colonel, I know. I just..."

John understood because he felt the exact same way. He saw him sigh and John turned his eyes away back to Ronon and Rodney and Carter. The city had seemed to stop moving as soon as Teyla had collapsed in the control room as Chuck had dialled Athosia. John had been in the infirmary having his leg looked at when he got the call that Teyla needed medical assistance. And the rest was a blur. He remembered running, and breathing, and lashing out, and demanding to know what had happened but no matter what anyone told him, he had been unable to calm down. Keller had threatened him with a sedative if he didn't let one of her nurse's look at his leg before she'd disappeared behind the double doors.

John sunk to the floor and drew his legs up to his chest, ignoring the almost over-whelming pain in his leg now that the pain killer had worn off. John felt something tugging at the back of his mind and he closed his eyes, trying to ward it off. He didn't need to think like that. John opened his eyes when the corridor plunged into darkness; he sighed and they reactivated.

"It must be you," Rodney told him and John glared at him. "I'm sorry, okay? But this is _very _unusual." John raised his eyebrows. "Well obviously you have the Ancient gene stronger than any of us and the city is responding to you."

John pursed his lips before shaking his head.

"I don't think so, Rodney."

Rodney sighed exasperated and looked to Carter who nodded.

"It's very possible, John. You know the city responds to thought and your presence..." John looked away from her as realisation settled in. He so didn't need this. "You have to control your emotions."

"Hey!" He protested. "My emotions are perfectly controlled."

No one answered but both Rodney and Ronon raised their eyebrows, sceptical smirks teasing the edges of their lips. John closed his eyes and drew his hand across his face. He really needed fresh air. And a drink - a very strong one. Standing on shaky legs, he managed to take a few steps before something stopped him and he turned, his eyes fixed on the doors. He stared hard and he felt the door control being activated before the doors slid open. Simultaneously, they took a step forward towards Jennifer Keller but John didn't stop until he was right in front of her beside Kanan.

"How is she?"

John couldn't listen as she answered and his eyes were instantly skimming past her, looking into the room behind her. In an incubator, surrounded by nurses and machines he saw a baby. A very, very still baby. He felt his stomach drop from his body, swayed as his body emptied of blood; felt dizzy and light-headed as thought evacuated his head. He stepped around Keller, heard her stop talking as she turned to him.

"Colonel, you can't-"

"Is he all right?"

The words sounded foreign to him, as though they weren't his own as he spoke them. He felt as though he was back in the storm, that his words were being snatched by the air before they reached his ears. He couldn't take his eyes from the prone infant and he felt his chest ache as his heart bucked slowly against his rib cage. The lights flickered.

"He will be," he heard her murmur and he flickered his eyes in her direction before turning his vision back to the incubator. Adrenaline surged inside of him like a tidal wave. "How did you know...?"

John didn't answer her.

Instead, he pivoted on his heel and ran. He ran as fast as he could down empty corridors, ran even as the pain in his leg became unbearable. He collapsed in a heap on the floor on a secluded balcony, his breathing laboured and faulty, his vision blurring around the edges as tears misted from his eyelids.

The central tower descended into darkness as he let his emotions swim over him.

Then John Sheppard let himself cry.


End file.
